A good friend of my mine reached out to me because I’ve spent the last decade living with the reality that my parents are not safe people for me to be in contact with. I went no-contact with my parents after a series of very painful events brought on the realization that they were unhealthy people to have in my life, and had been for most of my life.
My friend has reached this same point. As she expressed her concerns about this decision I realized that they were no different than what I’ve had to contend with myself. Questions about whether I’m over-reacting, being unfair or unreasonable. Uncertainty as to the truth of my own experiences. The need to go into this decision from a fully justified position.
These questions are insidious because the people forcing us to confront them are themselves insidious. They hurt us over and over, then pull back just enough to create uncertainty. Or they’re abruptly kind, throwing us off balance.
And those questions never go away. The worst part is being forced to revisit the painful experiences of the past in order to remind ourselves why we’ve made the decision. But that means ripping open partially healed wounds over and over again.
And there will always be someone to judge and criticize the decision to protect ourselves. The fear and uncertainty will remain, even years later, bringing back the compulsive need to justify.
It does get easier though. The doubt creeps in less frequently, and the wounds need to be examined less closely.
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